two book covers

I'm gearing up for NaNoWriMo 2011! I've got a solid cast of characters-- all with names, motivations, and backstories-- a plot, major themes, and a setting for my book. Oh, and a title too! 
.
"As They Tend to Infinity" 
.
The phrase is part of the definition of asymptotes. Remember those little bitches from high school pre-calculus? Two lines infinitely approaching each other but never touching? I always thought it was a beautiful metaphor for unrequited love, though I never did use the idea in any writing, save for a humorous poem. When I was jotting down ideas for my novel, though, it struck me that an asymptote is also an elegant analogy for Laika's (that's the name I chose for the MC, by the way) existential loneliness. She struggles the entire novel to try and understand the people in her life, but in the end realizes that it's a useless exercise. Her consciousness will always be isolated from others'; she will never be able to fully understand what it is like to experience life as another human being.
.
Anyway, I'm fairly proud of the headway I've made on the idea, given that I had no clue what I was doing for Nano just a couple of days ago. I rewarded myself by embarking on the self-indulgent quest to create a book cover for my project. It just makes me feel more fancy when I have a cover for my project.
.
I know squat about computer art, so these are bare bones. They are pretty, though, aren't they? I can't decide which one I want to use. Opinions?

National Novel Writing Month, ack

Nanowrimo draws closer every day. And I still haven't managed to even think of a premise for my "novel." Things are getting dire. And on top of that, I haven't posted on this blog in the last two days, which I promised myself I would do every day. So. Lazy. I need to give myself a good slap.
.
I don't feel prepared for NaNo at all. If I was conditioned, I could probably pull off writing from day one with no prepared topic, and just see where the characters take me on their own momentum. But I'm out of practice. I haven't blogged or written poetry in many months, and it's been even longer since I've sat down and told a story. Actually, I don't think I've done so since last November.
.
But I guess I'm going to just go with it. Dive right in. Now all I need is a topic.
.
So what do I want to write about?
.
I know I want to write a story that's mostly realistic, and set in modern times. Basically because I don't have time to do a buttload of research or create an elaborate backdrop for a fantasy world. I need a relatively simple story I can just tell with a mere week's preparation.
.
Now I'm just going to list with story elements I find interesting, themes that are important, types of characters I like, etc. Then mix and match them. Hope a story will emerge.
.
- theme, questioning organized religion
- theme, involving a character who feels she has no identity
- a trio of main female characters, either sisters or close friends
- a character who can talk to animals, or just an animal who can talk
- magical realism that feels very organic, not contrived
- story takes place between autumn and winter
- set in Clemson
- explores female identity, feminism
- GLBTQ characters, issues
- young people struggling to figure out what it means to be "good" and what it means to have a meaningful existence
- romance
- alienation from society
- ambivalence
.
OK, I'm going to stop for a second. Most of the ideas I've listed are themes or undercurrents in the story. They aren't plot points. This is always my problem. I'm an idea person... I like playing with big concepts. But often times I find myself dead in the water because there's no actual storytelling going on. Nothing's happening. I can't let this happen, especially when I'm trying to write this thing in a month. If I ever get stuck, I won't recover. So I need to come up with PLOT POINTS.
.
Trying again.
.
I like the idea of beginning my story on Halloween and ending it on Christmas. Kind of two opposite ends of the spectrum, with Halloween representing the occult, loss of identity, deceit, paganism, and a connection with friends rather than family and Christmas representing tradition, family, religion, etc. Actually, taking that idea a little further, and making parallel what I hope the MC's journey will be, Thanksgiving should be the holiday that represents the extreme "conservative" side of things. Christmas is a little more in the grey area, because the holiday has pagan roots and is very secularized today. It also has a more liberal spirit to it. Christmas could be when the MC sort of reaches... well, not necessarily a compromise, but a state of holding the different sides of herself in balance. Accepting her contradictions, etc.
.
This seems like a solid timeline, and I like the idea because it takes place not only in my favorite seasons to write about, but largely around the times I will be writing, so I can put some of my day to day experiences of nature/weather into the story. Yay.
.
This still isn't a plot though. Ugh. I keep thinking that I want some kind of mystery, but I can't think of one. I guess my idea so far is hyper-realistic, which isn't what I want, though that's how I tend to write if I don't give my imagination a stern poke. Plus, I don't like the idea of writing in a character as "the villain" or even "the antagonist" even if I give the readers plenty of reasons to sympathize with them. But I want a villain in this story. It will make it more fun to write.
.
I guess I need to flesh out my MC more and figure out who the villain in her life would be. So, she's a college student. OK. I think when the story begins, the MC is at some sort of Halloween party and ends up cheating on her boyfriend. That kind of sets up her mental state at the outset; not really knowing what to believe, or how to distinguish right and wrong. Ugh, the more I think about the story, the more I don't see it as a plot that calls for a "villain" character. I see the villain in the story as maybe being society in general, or just the MCs own inner demons. Gosh that sounds lame. But that's my vision, I guess.
.
Hm, I think I want to do something similar to Haruki Murakami's work. In "Kafka on the Shore," "The Wind-up Bird Chronicles" and "Sputnik Sweetheart" he achieves a feeling similar to what I want. Magical Realism, characters sort of drifting and disconnected from their passions, surreal elements. I love the way he brings the characters' psyches to life and makes their inner struggles seem like actually battles for their lives. (Wow, I'm being so inarticulate today. Hopefully I'll get all this "bleh" out of my system before November.)
.
So, the question now is how I will turn the MC's inner turmoil into something truly menacing. Well, that's one question anyway. The other is what her connection to her friends is, what their personalities and struggles are, how important they will be in the book, etc, etc, etc. Oh my. So much. So much.
.
Okay, so I want one of the girls to be a composite of two of my friends in real life. She's going to be very free-spirited, self-reliant, and someone who lives very joyously but rather selfishly. If she likes you, she can be very sweet, but if she dislikes you she does so with almost bottomless contempt. She can be very extreme. Very intuitive, relies on her own internal system of logic. The MC likes her, but is somewhat in awe of her which prevents her from getting close to her, even though they've known each other for 4 years. The MC often wonders what her internal life is like, and whether she is really as unconflicted as she seems.
.
The other friend, I suppose will be rather the opposite. Wispy, pale, meek, dutiful, self-sacrificing, passive aggressive. Main character feels a stronger kinship with her, because they both share similar conflicts.
.
Hurm. I originally wanted to write the story from multiple perspectives, but I think that would run counter to my purpose. I want the readers, along with the MC to be guessing along with everyone else the true thoughts of these characters. Or.... on the other hand, that would take away a lot of the fun from the writing. I guess instead we could see how different the other characters are from how the MC perceives them. The only problem with that is that I see this story as pretty much being about the one girl. The others are supporting characters. Yeah, I think multiple perspectives is a little to ambitious for this story. I want it to be relatively simple.
.
Okay, what about the boys of the story? I want each of the three girls to have a significant other. The MCs boyfriend is charming, friendly, funny in a goofy sort of way,  and endearing. He's also fearful of conflict, very diffuse-- not intense at all-- and dispassionate.  The MC fears that he lacks substance. 
.
The first friend, we'll call her N for now, is dating a more quiet, self-contained boy. He's moral, but in a logical, humanist way. He is kind, but only to a point. He doesn't have much pity for the weak, but he doesn't seek to exploit them either. 
.
The other friend, the meek one, (L for now) is dating a boy with a very nervous energy. He is at turns sycophantic and belligerent, and rather judgmental. He has a wide variety of interests that he dabbles in, though he is passionate about none of them. He desires to live an experimental, free lifestyle but he doesn't follow through. In his heart, he is a traditionalist.
.
The boy whom the MC has her "affair" with is a rather aloof boy. Sort of generic hyper-masculine good looks. Very doubting, very cynical, very broody (although that's beneath the surface.) To others he acts almost disconcertingly casual. He rarely admits to caring about anything. Very dry humor. Shy. Loyal. Paranoid.
.
Okay. Here's how I'm seeing the plot so far. Girls go to Halloween party with boyfriends, except for MC, whose boyfriend has to work. They have fun together, MC starts talking to "Aloof Boy," one of her boyfriend's best friends, who is a little drunk. They split off from group, have intimate conversation, make out. For a little while they are lost in passion, but when "Aloof Boy" tries to take it father, MC refuses. She feels terrible cheating on her boyfriend, especially since he and AB are so close. She leaves, AB seems both disappointed and relieved.
.
This sparks a crisis in MCs mind. Who has she become? What does she want from her life? Are she and her boyfriend truly happy together, or just comfortable? When was the last time she felt this passionate about anything?
.
She first tells L. She feels more comfortable because she can predict what L will say. N is more of a wild card-- N might actually advise her to do the thing she is afraid to do, which is to leave her boyfriend and take a chance with someone new. Something inside her tells her that this would be wrong. You should be loyal to the person you are with. Talking to L turns out to be useless. All she does is make bewildered faces and ask the MC, "So, what are you going to do?"
.
MC becomes more disconnected from reality. Constantly fantasizes about what could be. Feels powerless in real life.
.
Ok, I think that's enough for tonight. Think I'm gonna let this stew a little more. But this at least gives me a place to start from.
.
Night.

another day at the hendrix center

Despite my wishes, today has been as non-eventful as pretty much every other day in my life. I woke up late, spent a long time cursing my computer, laid in bed staring at the ceiling and attempting to stimulate my imagination, puttered around in the kitchen making stew. After Bear got home from class, we watched "Mad Men" in the living room with Mogmi, the cat, while we ate and I sipped a little red wine. 

That was the nicest part of the day so far, I think. Just a scene of quiet contentment. For the first time since I've been living on my own, my apartment feels like home. I love our little kitchen with the window looking out over our porch and into the woods, our living room glowing with color-- the carpet with its wine red and verdant green swirls, the wall hangings of mustard yellow, deep blue, crimson and green, the burgundy curtains, and all of it bathed in rich autumn sunshine, the color of ripened wheat. I try to surround myself with color. Like a palette of memories. I feel more connected to my own self when I'm somewhere beautiful. As opposed to sitting in a closed off room with bare walls. Everything stimulates my imagination.

That's where I am now, by the way. In a windowless, whitewashed room. Ugh, it feels like death! My mind goes as blank as the walls. I'm all alone right now, except for this kid who works with Bear. His name is Arthur, I think. I don't know if it is, but the whole situation feels awkward to me. That's how I always feel when I'm left alone with one of Bear's friends. We know nothing about each other, and yet we have Bear in common, so it feels like we should make small talk. 

I hate small talk. It feels so disingenuous. You're both feeling around for some topic you could have a meaningful, or at least interesting, conversation about, but you have to pretend to give a shit about what you're talking about then. Or worse, you aren't even interested at all in having a real conversation, you're just chattering away to fill the gaping silence. Awful. I'm terrible at it. When I meet someone (I know this is terrible) I'm either interested in getting to know them-- in which case I want to jump right into the interesting questions so I can find out the facts I'm dying to know about them... but that's just considered creepy; an invasion of privacy-- or I couldn't care less, and I want to ignore them. Which is really, really mean and awful. But I always feel like I don't have enough energy to deal with talking to a buttload of people. Because I'm so socially awkward it takes a lot of mental effort to make simple conversation. I long for human connection, but I fear the part where you and the other person are just two strangers trying to suss each other out.

Anyway, time at Hendrix has been passing quicker than it usually does, so that's a plus. I did talk a little with some of Bear's co-workers, which, while stressful as all hell, was fun and made things less plodding. They were also hosting an event for Clemson's Board of Trustees or something fancy sounding like that, which meant that they turned the usually barren looking hall outside the meeting rooms into a semi-formal looking area, with black drapes put up to make the space look smaller and plants to fill it out. 

All this lifted my mood. It reminded me of when I was a kid and I got to go to a wedding or fundraiser and feel all important while I listened to the adults talk and got to eat the catering off of nice plates. It made the building feel more festive, even if I didn't get to participate. I liked seeing all the professors smiling and drunk in their suits, looking all jovial and serious at once. Scenes like this are comforting to me, though I can't put a finger on why. Maybe because when people get together for an event like this, it's a break from the day to day. A time when you can put aside your daily anxieties. You feel assured that everyone wants to have a good time and no one is going to be stern or angry. It may not be all that fun or interesting, but still, it's a vacation from your real self, even if it only lasts a couple of hours.

I meant to start brainstorming for my National Novel Writing Month project, but I've written so much here, I think I'll save that for another post. I want to try to keep my entries shorter than I have in the past, and have them stick to one central idea. Maybe I'll write another entry later tonight. I guess it depends on how bored I am!

Later,

Eden

and armed with a pumpkin

I'm sitting with my boyfriend, to be known here as "Bear," trying to think of what I should write in my first post. I don't want to try for anything to grand or fancy. I've blogged before-- though under an alias-- and the other times the blogs died under the weight of their ambition. I don't want to make that mistake this time. I will try to stay true to my thoughts, whether they are unadorned or complex. I want to capture who I am in this moment.
.
So what am I thinking right now?
.
I love autumn. Every year, when the long summer days dwindle down and I can spell damp leaves and spice on the crisp air, I feel excitement leap in my belly. My thoughts turn to warm things. Quilts, mulled cider and wine, pumpkin in absolutely everything-- beer, bread, tea, cakes, coffee, bagels!-- jackets, scarves, woolen caps. Everything snug and huddled against the coming winter. Every tree is a glorious bonfire, momentarily vivid before deadening to ash. The world is ruddy and flushed.
.
As much as I love walking this time of year, I'm not looking forward to trekking back to my apartment tonight. It's too blustery out for me to enjoy it, and since it will be dark and empty there won't be much scenery to take in. Still, it makes me glad to think of my warm living room glowing invitingly on the other side of Clemson. Curling up with a book and a pot of spiced tea on the couch with a fuzzy blanket pulled up to my chin, hoping Mogmi (my ill-tempered cat) will join me and sleep with his head on my leg. Starting a beef stew in the crock pot.
.
I want to carve a pumpkin. One of my friends (we shall call him "Mr. Beard" here) had a pumpkin carving party earlier in the week, but Bear and I missed the actually pumpkin carving part because we went to Greenville for the afternoon. I can't say I regret it though. Greenville was perfect. 
.
They were having their annual "Fall for Greenville" festival, which meant the streets were crowded with revelers who wandered from vendor to vendor to purchase things like pumpkin cheesecake, locally brewed beers, savory sandwiches, pork potstickers, fish tacos, turkey legs, spicy sushi, pot pies, cinnamon apple tarts, and almost anything else you can think of. Almost every restaurant in the downtown area had a stall open, and all the different smells mingled in the cool breeze as leaves of orange, gold and plum danced down onto the street like fiery snow. It was picturesque!
.
If you couldn't tell, a large part of autumn's appeal for me is the food. I love cooking that's warm, hearty, spicy, and savory. When I get home, I'm going to look up perfect fall recipes. I want to make stews, pies, and roast meats... I've been reading "Game of Thrones," so I think that's contributing to my cravings also.
.
Anyhow, I've got to go. I'm going to be posting everyday. Hopefully something exciting will happen tomorrow so I'll have some good stories to tell!
.
Good night,

Eden