I apologize again for not blogging like I should.
.
Just an hour ago it was hot & bright, but now the rain is falling in grey sheets. I watched the clouds roll in through the windows at Hendrix & it made me think of my last post. Strange, it was only a month ago, I think. So much has changed-- or I should say, not changed, when I expected it should. Ben has not found a job yet, & every day I wonder what we will do, where we will go. Objectively, our situation is not terrible. He has some income guaranteed, though not as much as he has been making, we have a few places we can move to in Clemson if necessary, his parents are willing to help to some extent, I think, & I can always go back to writing for income instead of working on my poetry for scholarships & such. We could make our lives work as well as ever, probably, but it seems sad to continue such an existence, barely stretching out each little paycheck, when we thought that, by summer's end, we could live a more secure life.
.
I try to carry through w/ faith he'll eventually find a position-- he's been so close so many times, eventually the stars should align. & I reassure myself that our worst case scenario isn't the end of the world. We have options for living until something better comes up.
.
Until then, I try to keep myself occupied w/ my work. It has been a luxury to fully immerse myself in my studies, as I have these past two months, & I can sense that I am beginning to make some breakthroughs. Essays on poetics that were impenetrable to me not long ago are beginning to make some semblance of sense. My ear has become more attuned to the music of language, & what poetry I have written since reflects this new knowledge.
.
It is strange to remember the sparer life I once led, & the happiness I had then. As a young college student, eating cafeteria food & also ramen in my dormitory. Going to Walmart when the rain soaked the sky w/ charcoal & silver, listening to the thunder shake the trees w/ heat, laughing as we barreled through the storm, thin plastic shopping bags straining our hands. I felt so safe w/ my friends, so assured as I watched the seasons change the face of the lake each year, so very sure I was headed somewhere wonderful w/ these people, & how much we loved each other in our serendipitous camaraderie. Friendship seemed to come so easily then, & there was little distance between us all. What could have happened to us? Something between us all has broken, or maybe it was something in me?
.
Something in me has to change soon. I feel my life slipping like water all around me, but I am still & cold as a rock. I need to go somewhere, instead of planting myself here, all in my longing for the past, while circumstances wear me to my barest & most vulnerable state. My nerves are all exposed & maybe this is why I cannot ever sleep the night w/out fear waking me in a sweat, like my whole body is crying.
.
The rain has pulled back, quickly as it appeared. Typical summer weather, w/ its sudden fits of thunder & cool wind, then its pulling the clouds back like hair from its face, all embarrassed, like, "That didn't just happen." The sun is dappled on the bent backs of clouds, the sky is great fish belly swimmer over us all, scales of blue & grey w/ sunlight silvering and gilding all. It makes me remember how quickly things can change & not just for the worse. I cannot give up hope, I need to know I can make my life better.
.
What are my hopes for the future?
.
I want my hair to grow, long, dark & cresting like a mermaid's hair-- a mermaid from a place of ice water & glacial cold.
.
I want a little room w/ a window overlooking a garden, that sends light dancing across the walls in the afternoon, making patterns like pale, many-colored pebbles, while I write. I want a shelf w/ different glass jars full of whole leaf teas, & a beautiful tea set to serve them in.
.
I want good, close friends, & a bar or cafe where we can meet & talk, about anything at all. I want my relationship w/ Ben to be like it used to, relaxed, carefree, full of laughter. I want an apartment w/ books crammed everywhere, in haphazard stacks, so family visitors come in & shake their heads in mute disapproval.
.
I want a place where I can walk & watch nature go by, or where I can hear church bells in the distance ring tears from my eyes, tears that fly vividly from me like water flies all shining from a spinning clay pot, as it is shaped in the potter's steady hands.
.
I want to stare into the night sky, glowing & shivering like a vast city on a dark glacier, & feel the perfect peace of my own nothingness straining up and up to the cold-burning stars. I want to feel science tugging on the levers that work gravity & mass & light, tugging on my own sleeve like an insistent child. I want to understand, & I want to dip my feet into the cold river & see Venus & the moon reflected on the smooth gleaming back of a frog & feel my own body wearing the water like a robe, feel the wholeness of everything hover and sing on my skin, reflecting the stars on my shining glass body.
.
My feet roots, my belly a glowing globe, my face a telescope, always pointed far away.
.
Just an hour ago it was hot & bright, but now the rain is falling in grey sheets. I watched the clouds roll in through the windows at Hendrix & it made me think of my last post. Strange, it was only a month ago, I think. So much has changed-- or I should say, not changed, when I expected it should. Ben has not found a job yet, & every day I wonder what we will do, where we will go. Objectively, our situation is not terrible. He has some income guaranteed, though not as much as he has been making, we have a few places we can move to in Clemson if necessary, his parents are willing to help to some extent, I think, & I can always go back to writing for income instead of working on my poetry for scholarships & such. We could make our lives work as well as ever, probably, but it seems sad to continue such an existence, barely stretching out each little paycheck, when we thought that, by summer's end, we could live a more secure life.
.
I try to carry through w/ faith he'll eventually find a position-- he's been so close so many times, eventually the stars should align. & I reassure myself that our worst case scenario isn't the end of the world. We have options for living until something better comes up.
.
Until then, I try to keep myself occupied w/ my work. It has been a luxury to fully immerse myself in my studies, as I have these past two months, & I can sense that I am beginning to make some breakthroughs. Essays on poetics that were impenetrable to me not long ago are beginning to make some semblance of sense. My ear has become more attuned to the music of language, & what poetry I have written since reflects this new knowledge.
.
It is strange to remember the sparer life I once led, & the happiness I had then. As a young college student, eating cafeteria food & also ramen in my dormitory. Going to Walmart when the rain soaked the sky w/ charcoal & silver, listening to the thunder shake the trees w/ heat, laughing as we barreled through the storm, thin plastic shopping bags straining our hands. I felt so safe w/ my friends, so assured as I watched the seasons change the face of the lake each year, so very sure I was headed somewhere wonderful w/ these people, & how much we loved each other in our serendipitous camaraderie. Friendship seemed to come so easily then, & there was little distance between us all. What could have happened to us? Something between us all has broken, or maybe it was something in me?
.
Something in me has to change soon. I feel my life slipping like water all around me, but I am still & cold as a rock. I need to go somewhere, instead of planting myself here, all in my longing for the past, while circumstances wear me to my barest & most vulnerable state. My nerves are all exposed & maybe this is why I cannot ever sleep the night w/out fear waking me in a sweat, like my whole body is crying.
.
The rain has pulled back, quickly as it appeared. Typical summer weather, w/ its sudden fits of thunder & cool wind, then its pulling the clouds back like hair from its face, all embarrassed, like, "That didn't just happen." The sun is dappled on the bent backs of clouds, the sky is great fish belly swimmer over us all, scales of blue & grey w/ sunlight silvering and gilding all. It makes me remember how quickly things can change & not just for the worse. I cannot give up hope, I need to know I can make my life better.
.
What are my hopes for the future?
.
I want my hair to grow, long, dark & cresting like a mermaid's hair-- a mermaid from a place of ice water & glacial cold.
.
I want a little room w/ a window overlooking a garden, that sends light dancing across the walls in the afternoon, making patterns like pale, many-colored pebbles, while I write. I want a shelf w/ different glass jars full of whole leaf teas, & a beautiful tea set to serve them in.
.
I want good, close friends, & a bar or cafe where we can meet & talk, about anything at all. I want my relationship w/ Ben to be like it used to, relaxed, carefree, full of laughter. I want an apartment w/ books crammed everywhere, in haphazard stacks, so family visitors come in & shake their heads in mute disapproval.
.
I want a place where I can walk & watch nature go by, or where I can hear church bells in the distance ring tears from my eyes, tears that fly vividly from me like water flies all shining from a spinning clay pot, as it is shaped in the potter's steady hands.
.
I want to stare into the night sky, glowing & shivering like a vast city on a dark glacier, & feel the perfect peace of my own nothingness straining up and up to the cold-burning stars. I want to feel science tugging on the levers that work gravity & mass & light, tugging on my own sleeve like an insistent child. I want to understand, & I want to dip my feet into the cold river & see Venus & the moon reflected on the smooth gleaming back of a frog & feel my own body wearing the water like a robe, feel the wholeness of everything hover and sing on my skin, reflecting the stars on my shining glass body.
.
My feet roots, my belly a glowing globe, my face a telescope, always pointed far away.
No comments:
Post a Comment